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Off-loaded!! - No more pills....

Hello guys and welcome back. I would like to dedicate this blog to everyone who offloaded themselves from Antidepressants. Over past Year and half it was bumpy road for me and definitely for my lovely husband. Prior to my Antidepressants experience I felt anxious, down, low mood and constant stress. I could not pointed out what is wrong with me and definitely wasn't ready to talk about it with anybody. If you don't know what is going on with you, feel trapped, over thinking basic tasks and your emotions are all over the place just stop for the moment. I did that and realize that my personality changed as well. No longer bubbly, easy going guy who wants to socialize almost every weekend. People who notice this first are always people closes to you. I didn't listen and felt like my husband don't understand my feelings and worries. I was right he didn't because he doesn't know and I did not now that I was trapped in vicious circle.

Just for your imagination let me tell you what was my vicious circle. I did not sleep well, woken up in the middle of the night sweat dreaming about work, when my alarm went off I felt like I did not sleep at all been tired and felt nauseas. Many times first think I did was get up, trip to the toilet, been sick get dressed and felt uncomfortable go to work thinking, planning and thinking again. Then at work working under extreme pressure in understaffed care home, getting beaten up, bitten and scratched physical and mental pressure full on for 12 hours non stop. When I came back home injured or not injured my thoughts were all ready ahead. Thinking about next working day, planning how can I escape and been unsettled for rest couple of hours left before same cycle started again, and again. When I had my days off I was constantly worried about my return to work and what is going to happen there. Mental exhaustion, physical tiredness also had a impact on my family life. I stopped socializing, looking for escape from different situations and just wanted to spend time home, in bed, watching TV and do absolutely anything.

It just felt like big blender in my head. Mess that need clean up. I made a decision one day. It was probably most darkest day in all. Staying in the bed in the middle of the day with curtains shut unable to do anything and not excitement about life. That day I told myself that this is not good and I need to get up and do something.... But where to start??? I made an appointment with my GP and had a 2 options. Start taking antidepressants strait away or try Counselling sessions. My mind was saying tablets but my heart was saying Counselling. End of the day I can get tablets anytime if need it. Part of this change was also changing job and get out from Toxic environment that's not helping. I found job for insurance company call centrum. Started my counselling sessions and thought that I am sorted. How ever for unknown reason I was still feeling anxious, stress and my sleep pattern did not improved.

After few first Counselling session I knew that my I was suffering from severe anxiety and moderate depression and was introduced to many different exercises to improve my mental health. That was the point I came across Mindfulness and recognise that we live only once and we here for propose and I am lucky because I am having loving husband, lovely family and friends around me. After few weeks of basic exercises I started feel much better and thought that I am on the right path. Well I was, but vicious circle is call vicious circle for reason. When I was on my peak and started improving I hit that dark wall again. I panicked was scared and almost give up. After my hard work go that far I was on the dark bottom again - trapped in circle. After visiting my therapist I was advise try Sertraline 50mg to control my moods and make my journey a bit easier. I was also told that is absolutely normal and it is dark side of depression telling myself that I felt. I was encourage by my brilliant therapist and set for second round of fight.